Her Love

We were inside the car then. We were supposed to go attend mass in the church but we did not go inside. For whatever reason, we hung out in the car instead. I was glad I joined her in the air-conditioned comfort than sitting in the warm pews on an afternoon mass.
She started talking about my brother.
Let me say that among us 3, he must be the most dear to her. He is the only boy, after all. I never felt the favorite when my brother wasn't born yet, but I can't say I'm the least liked either. But back when we were growing up, I was used to giving up what I want if she disapproves. I haven't been perfect. Oh, not at all. My sister was another case. She goes on with her ways even when our parents scolds her alot of times. Their words would fell on deaf ears.
Anyway, going back to the scene. She started talking about hoe my brother got scolded by the priest who also happens to be his teacher too. They were on a Youth Encounter, a retreat for the graduating class on school grounds. He and a few of his friends
were asked to leave. I can't remember the details anymore but as she talked about it, tears fell. She said that JB (my brother) was so worried that he would get scolded again by our parents this time. Of course, I cried too.
No one can't help but cry when it's your mother who's crying. As I look back, I can't remember the time she cried because of me. There were several times, my sister made her cry but that was before when we were kids and JM (my sister) can't help but enjoy youth.
The next time I saw my mom cry again was when she relayed to me about JM's problems with her family. It was so heart breaking because she never reveals her feelings to me that way. She tries to keep it cool, which I mistakenly thought before as being a little heartless. It was so wrong to think that way.
I said before that I haven't seen her cry because of what I did, but I wouldn't really know. She's good in keeping things to herself. I'm happy I still get to see her for who she really is --- a mother who only wants the best for her kids.
I love you nanay. I can't say this to her without tears forming
my eyes. But I hope she knows I really do. All the things I am and I have won't be enough to repay her for her love.
Maybe when I get to be a mother myself will I fully understand the depth of her love. And I can show my gratitude to my child as I should to her.

2 centimeters

I miss him, as I miss him in all of the days I'm not with him. Some days are bad, some days are worse. But I keep smiling on facing my days in the knowledge of his love.

Loving someone so much could hurt and in ways you have not imagined. I can be melodramatic and say that I've been through the worst. I probably haven't because if I already did, I wouldn't have survived. I know. My pain threshold is as small as the space between my thumb and my index when they hold a pen.

I just asked for him to do something small for me, this was something we argued over before. We argued about this a million times. I want us to talk longer. But then he has to go. I could say I have been a good girl these past few times, telling myself, I can talk to him again later. Today is different. I had to ask him to stay on for a little more so we can talk longer... but he told me I don't understand at all.

I can no longer continue telling you, my dear blog, because the screen is blurred now. I'm angry at myself again for not giving him what he wants when he wanted it: understanding. I want to lash out at myself for getting hurt again, for being in tears again. When will I learn to just depend on myself and not totally rely on someone else for my happiness? When will I be able to adapt to what people expects of me? When can I hold back that part of me called pride?