and when it's time...

It's inevitable. I'm going away... away from the family that I have known to love for the last two and a half years. The team who has taught me a lot of things; one of which was how to be strong to face the challenges ahead. I can try to show to them how they mean to me, individually and as a whole group. But I don't wanna cry every time. 


Inasmuch as I want to say that I've been proud to watch them grow because I had been part of all of it; but I know that they have made me strong and fragile at the same time. These days, I love to look at our photos to reminisce while I am still here with them. It's my way of coping when I know that I will hit the lowest and feel loneliest without my team. 


There have already been changes as a team usually goes through in any company. I already have 7 members who are no longer part of the team, and we are also expecting 3 more soon. Just like in life --- You win some, and you lose some. Although I do not believe I lost any of them, we always try to communicate to those 7 outside so they still know what's going on in the team. I guess we can never really learn to let go. And I wouldn't want to, anyway. 

This is a glass parade

A fragile state

And I am trying not to break 

And the stars are shining

The moon is right

And I would kill to be with you tonight 

Wish you told me all the truth

So afraid to face an absolute

All the fights you had to lose

All the fear was put upon you

I found you when you were broken

Too many cracks of deceit

I will give you all I have

Just look up, break down and believe

My Name is Gossip

I am more deadly than the screaming shell of the cannon.

I win without killing.

I tear down homes, break hearts, and wreck lives.

I travel on the wings of the wind.

No innocence is strong enough to intimidate me, no purity pure enough to daunt me.

I have no regard for truth, no respect for justice, no mercy for the defenseless.

My victims are as numerous as the sands of the sea and often as innocent.

I never forget and seldom forgive.

My name is Gossip.

~Morgan Blake~

This is the message I received last Sunday from James 1:19

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

I remember a story about anger. It's called Nails in the Fence.

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.

He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, 'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. But It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound will still be there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Remember that friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.'

Nanay and Tatay, I am sorry.

I'm sorry for complaining so much before. I know you only want to give us, your children, the best in life that you could give. I'm sorry for ever belittling you or thinking . You both deserve only love and respect from me.

Friend, I am sorry.

I'm sorry for having lied to you. I'm sorry for backstabbing you. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you with spiteful words. You deserve better.

For everyone else, I AM SORRY for hurting you at all.

Please let this prayer be a reminder for me to always keep a tab on my tongue, keep it in check so I won't say a needless hurtful word to anyone. AMEN.

My new love

I love coffee. I enjoy coffee. But to be clear I’m not really a coffee person like my boyfriend who used to drink about 4 or 5 cups or mugs a day, if you will, in the

office. One reason is caffeine makes me sleepy, which is unusual! But every time

I drink coffee, it never fails to make me fall asleep. Weird, I know...

So why do I love coffee? The bittersweet taste and the aroma can make anyone smile. Coffee can make me want to clap my hands like a little girl. NOTE: I always do this when I’m happy or excited.

My favorites are mocha frap at Starbucks and caramel ice-blended coffee at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. They really perk me up but only for a while before I start dozing off.

Then, of course, there’s ice cream. There are a lot of ice cream flavors and brands. I love Gelatissimo liquor chocolate but it won’t top my Cornetto coffee caramel. Anytime, I’d feel exhausted or just plain blah, I can go down to the nearest convenience store and eat Cornetto coffee caramel. Just bliss. Mmmm mm!

Now let me share with you my new love. It’s KFC krushers caramel crunch! A slash between coffee and ice cream, it made me fall in love all over again. Try it and you’ll taste a piece of heaven.

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When I got back to the office from leave to Kuala Lumpur, they surprised me with cake (a team tradition) and my very own tarpauline.

Thank you so much Dispatch team! You’re 8 reasons I get up everyday to work nights. J

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.

last sunday, i got a call from Gelou that a friend has passed on. i couldn't believe it. i just met Sue and 6 others last May 9 this year on a trip to Bais Sand Bar. i joined their trip and we all had fun despite the roads from Dumaguete to Bais being overhauled. though that was only 1 time and it was only a few hours, i knew Sue to be so vibrant and funny and kind. those who knew her could only say "sayang, she was still so young." i know it's always hard to let someone close to you go.

someone told me that people are hypocritical.

in offense, i asked "how can you say that?"

do you know how many people pray for you right now?

yeah. at least 2, i guess.

see? and if you're gone, everyone will pray for you. why not pray for you while you're still alive?

see, that made me silent. he has a good point. it may be harsh, but it's real and it happens to the best of us. we all have friends and loved ones, why don't we pray for their well being and wish them well while we still have time? yet we harbor grudge against them or put up our walls or masks to hide how we truly feel for them. isn't all that just wasting time and emotions? this is a lesson learned for me, or maybe i have learned this before but i forgot so i have to re-learn this.

i remember the email sent to me by a friend titled I wish you enough. read below...

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'
The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.' They kissed and the daughter left.
The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" ."I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," he said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough, we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye."

My message now is this. To you who have lost, remember it is not yours in the first place.
We can only pray that when our time comes, it will be easier for those who will lose us.

Goodbye Sue. Smile your radiant smile upon us.

*
While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. ~Leonardo Da Vinci
It is good to die before one has done anything deserving death. ~Anaxandrides
No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow. ~Euripides
Where death has touched, will it ever be normal again? ~ chiclois
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xo .lois ♥

if friends make me rich, i wouldn't have known poverty at all

X-Amount of Words
You're solar, bipolar
Panic disorder
Seems harder and harder and harder
Still you try to control it
by Blue October

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friends come and go. you meet new ones and keep them old.

some are remarkable. some are plain crazy!

you laugh or cry, they make you smile again.

chiclois

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~a tributum ut meus amicitia~

a tribute to my friends
we all got amazing friends. some more than the others, right?
let me share with you my friends who have inspired me alot these days and the reasons why.

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she loves music. she loves to belt our her fave songs. the DJ in the team, she plays the songs requested. she is also my biggest source of mp3s. she plays Thinking of You by Katy Perry at least once every day since she got back from leave -- May 25 right? she never misses a day.

tsin - radical blogger

she has gorgeous clothes, bags, shoes and knows how strut them. she has a big laugh and amazing smile. very talk-active and down to earth. everyone knows her as the girl who announced with a wave: "Hi! I'm famous." *wink*

julie - doña

she loves her cuppycake very much. she can be as cold as she was warm the next minute. a vagabond at heart, always looking for that something that will satisfy her mind. she eats her noodles without the soup.

lady di - gemini



she is the biggest fan of John West. she knows who's who in hollywood. she usually updates me celebrity news: she woke me up one morning to tell me that Jacko just died. she's on facebook, twitter, myspace, and everywhere else.

agnes - roommate


she is my biggest fan. haha! not really. she is a dear friend to me, not because she has been there when i need her. but because i want to be there for her when she does. she has crazy colored shoes. maybe i should get photos of them so i can post them. she challenges my sanity all the time.

helen - eternal poser


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"if friends make me rich, i wouldn't have known poverty at all."

where are you?

i don't wanna be alone.
nobody wants to be alone, right?

well, i know this girl who wants to be alone. i used to think she is just saying this as her excuse whatever. but she really wants to be left alone. she can live with her thoughts AND if she is left in Sahara Desert for a month, she's gonna survive. i hear not alot of people will after 10 days because humans cannot live alone. they have to interact with other humans, else they die. actually, this girl is talkative and has a loud laugh.

we used to talk and laugh alot and have fun all the time, but that was when we still hang out together. now all that's different. aside from the fact that we don't see each other that often anymore, she has gone back to retreat to her own world. her universe where she enjoys her own companionship. i miss her yet i tire of reaching out to her then she pulls back. is it gonna be this way still? hope not.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...
It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C.S. Lewis