and when it's time...

It's inevitable. I'm going away... away from the family that I have known to love for the last two and a half years. The team who has taught me a lot of things; one of which was how to be strong to face the challenges ahead. I can try to show to them how they mean to me, individually and as a whole group. But I don't wanna cry every time. 


Inasmuch as I want to say that I've been proud to watch them grow because I had been part of all of it; but I know that they have made me strong and fragile at the same time. These days, I love to look at our photos to reminisce while I am still here with them. It's my way of coping when I know that I will hit the lowest and feel loneliest without my team. 


There have already been changes as a team usually goes through in any company. I already have 7 members who are no longer part of the team, and we are also expecting 3 more soon. Just like in life --- You win some, and you lose some. Although I do not believe I lost any of them, we always try to communicate to those 7 outside so they still know what's going on in the team. I guess we can never really learn to let go. And I wouldn't want to, anyway. 

This is a glass parade

A fragile state

And I am trying not to break 

And the stars are shining

The moon is right

And I would kill to be with you tonight 

Wish you told me all the truth

So afraid to face an absolute

All the fights you had to lose

All the fear was put upon you

I found you when you were broken

Too many cracks of deceit

I will give you all I have

Just look up, break down and believe

roll with the punches

Someone told me about her version of the old adage that goes:
"Huwag mong gawin sa iba kung ayaw mong gawain nila sa yo."


and her version goes like this:
"Huwag mong gawin sa iba kung ayaw mong gawain nila sa anak mo."




In English, it means "Don't do unto others what you do not want them to do to your kids."


It got me thinking and I agree with her on this, that sometimes you can take crap from other people because you know in one way you deserved it as you may have done it to some other people too. Now, what if it happens to your kids? It's a different story, right? 


Case in point: If other people bully you, it's OK. It can be annoying but it's OK. If people lie to and steal from you, it's not really OK but you can move on. So what if your own kids get those kinds of crap? Hmm. Some people would say they'd rather be hurt or pained; than seeing their own children suffer. It's just like that. Crappy, ain't it?

I have been missing my sister so much these days. I know she's going through a lot that may be too much for some, but she's a strong and willful woman. So I try to be there for her in spite of, that's what sisters are for. 
I hope she knows how much I love her and support her. All of us in the family do.


That's her in the photo and I can try to come up with a list of what she might be thinking about at this exact moment that this picture was taken. Although I'd rather not share it here... She might read this and may not like it if I did. 
But I can share this --- she could be thinking of her two beautiful kids; Angel Fredelle Mishka and Mikhail Kendric, what the future holds for them. She is a wonderful mother to them; which isn't really surprising as she has shown me her motherly instincts even when we were just kids ourselves. And to think that she's my younger sister, if you didn't know that I'm the eldest child in the family. What did surprise me was that she has turned around her life to try to make it better for them. She never gave up, no matter how hard life pushes her. And I really admire her for that. I don't think I can be half as good as a mother as she is; but she will be my inspiration. That's for sure.




sending my love to you
ster ♥

My Name is Gossip

I am more deadly than the screaming shell of the cannon.

I win without killing.

I tear down homes, break hearts, and wreck lives.

I travel on the wings of the wind.

No innocence is strong enough to intimidate me, no purity pure enough to daunt me.

I have no regard for truth, no respect for justice, no mercy for the defenseless.

My victims are as numerous as the sands of the sea and often as innocent.

I never forget and seldom forgive.

My name is Gossip.

~Morgan Blake~

This is the message I received last Sunday from James 1:19

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

I remember a story about anger. It's called Nails in the Fence.

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.

He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, 'You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. But It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound will still be there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Remember that friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.'

Nanay and Tatay, I am sorry.

I'm sorry for complaining so much before. I know you only want to give us, your children, the best in life that you could give. I'm sorry for ever belittling you or thinking . You both deserve only love and respect from me.

Friend, I am sorry.

I'm sorry for having lied to you. I'm sorry for backstabbing you. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you with spiteful words. You deserve better.

For everyone else, I AM SORRY for hurting you at all.

Please let this prayer be a reminder for me to always keep a tab on my tongue, keep it in check so I won't say a needless hurtful word to anyone. AMEN.

“Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to”

Goin' Home

Elvis Presley

Where the purple mountains reach up high

And look like they’re gonna touch the sky

Where the canyon walls have stood for a million years

Where the days are hot, the nights are cold

The desert sand looks just like gold

These trails were carved in sweat and blood and tears

Home. We used to live in rented apartments back when we (my sister JM and I) were still growing up here in Cebu and I envy my classmates who have a home to call their own, at least their parents had. When I was almost 14, we moved to Dauin where my parents really are from. When my brother Brylle was old enough to be in school, all 3 of us siblings were enrolled in St Louis School - Don Bosco in Dumaguete as we settled in the ancestral house of my mother. When I got to college, I can't easily bring my friends who would want to come visit me at the house. For the basic reason, that it's not ours, and my aunt and her family also shares the house with us.

While growing up I had this deep wish was that if I had my own family, I'd make sure I have my own house I can call my own to provide my kids. I'm not sure if this is true until now. All the while I was also trying to break away from home, always hoping for the day to come when I will be working and living away from home.

That day came. And it happened almost 4 years ago. Now, I'm working in Cebu and I go home only once a month and usually not more than 2 days at the most. These are the days when I recharge. My father is the sweetest, he makes sure he picks me up from the terminal even if he's got a lot of things to do. I'm spoiled that way. heehee. But let me tell you, I miss those days when I was just living with my family instead of just visiting them once in a while.

Anyway, same dream I had back when I was still young has now been realized by my parents themselves. Last July 8, they moved to our new house in Ecoville Subdivision. It's a small house but big enough for 4 occupants: my parents, my brother and me. My sister and her family will be staying in the ancestral house. I also had the chance of staying there for a night last weekend. I was proud of my parents. (Wee! Can a child really say that about her parents?)

Well, someday, I will also have my own house too and I will not leave it anymore. ♥

Here are some snapshots from my mobile phone while the house was under construction.

I've heard that it's possible to grow up - I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.

Meredith Grey

xo .lois.

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.

last sunday, i got a call from Gelou that a friend has passed on. i couldn't believe it. i just met Sue and 6 others last May 9 this year on a trip to Bais Sand Bar. i joined their trip and we all had fun despite the roads from Dumaguete to Bais being overhauled. though that was only 1 time and it was only a few hours, i knew Sue to be so vibrant and funny and kind. those who knew her could only say "sayang, she was still so young." i know it's always hard to let someone close to you go.

someone told me that people are hypocritical.

in offense, i asked "how can you say that?"

do you know how many people pray for you right now?

yeah. at least 2, i guess.

see? and if you're gone, everyone will pray for you. why not pray for you while you're still alive?

see, that made me silent. he has a good point. it may be harsh, but it's real and it happens to the best of us. we all have friends and loved ones, why don't we pray for their well being and wish them well while we still have time? yet we harbor grudge against them or put up our walls or masks to hide how we truly feel for them. isn't all that just wasting time and emotions? this is a lesson learned for me, or maybe i have learned this before but i forgot so i have to re-learn this.

i remember the email sent to me by a friend titled I wish you enough. read below...

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'
The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.' They kissed and the daughter left.
The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" ."I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," he said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'"
He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. "When we said, 'I wish you enough, we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye."

My message now is this. To you who have lost, remember it is not yours in the first place.
We can only pray that when our time comes, it will be easier for those who will lose us.

Goodbye Sue. Smile your radiant smile upon us.

*
While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. ~Leonardo Da Vinci
It is good to die before one has done anything deserving death. ~Anaxandrides
No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow. ~Euripides
Where death has touched, will it ever be normal again? ~ chiclois
*

xo .lois ♥

my cup of iced tea

i have been meaning to share what i have been feeling these days... but i wouldn't know where to start. i'm afraid that when i finally succeeded in blogging it, that it won't be what i expect it to be.

'ay bahala nah!'

there is this constant unrest inside me. where this come from i don't know. i've been trying to compose this blog since two weeks ago.. until now, i can't even finish. i'm not sure when i will post this for fear of reading it and still find it wanting. :(

i talked with j and we felt the same about our dilemma with our family not agreeing with our practices on faith; which is attending the Bread of Life service and still attending Catholic mass. i feel nourished everytime i attend their service, i don't even feel bad. i still want to go attend the mass, though honestly i'm not as enthusiastic as i was before back in college. i'd rather attend mass in Dumaguete City than here in Cebu and this may be one reason. anyway, i don't wanna talk about it to my family but it felt good knowing that someone can totally relate to me. still there is this feeling of confusion inside me. i need enlightenment.

also i feel that there's more that i can do, more that i can be. i feel stuck, i feel restless. it seems like i'm wasting my time yet i feel exhausted all the time. i'm guilty of procrastinating the things i need to do and when i finally come around to doing them, i'm not satisfied still. why? i used to think that i will be better this year, i will work harder both for family and for myself. that i will do whatever it takes to excel in whatever i am into.

now, i've observed that i have not been doing things wholeheartedly. case in point, my relationship with my boyfriend/bestest friend in the whole wide world is not the best scenario. we're happy now though we're very very far, the farthest we've been for so long. there are times i'm guilty of not spending more time with him aka chat times or call times, i also do not text him when i reach the office. this worries him coz i work nights. i should never forget to do this, but i do. it makes me feel so bad for he has been patient about my shortcomings. i don't wanna say that it's because of the distance that makes me be like this, though maybe if we're closer (like if we're in the same country, not even city) i'd be a better girlfriend.

or that i don't go home as much as i did before, and when i do, i bring friends over that i don't spend that much time with them. i know you don't want me to whine but... sigh.

there is no conclusion here for me. i'm still in the process of creating a definition of me at twenty five with the sweetest boyfriend, with gorgeous but don't-see-them-as-often as-i-want friends, with an awesome but errant team, with invasive but loving family. the eternal "who am i" question.

perhaps, i need a retreat? just for a while... what do you think? pull to open for EXIT.

bubble babble

i remember high school, or rather college. well, i remember college more vividly...

i talk on the phone with friends or classmates for hours, burning the line on nothing but gossip, boys, plans for the weekend, and more gossip. sometimes Nanay would scold me yet i fervently go on and on on the phone. "you just saw each other today and spent most of your time with them." she's right, but we always have so much to talk about and so little time.

nowadays, i can't stop going online to chat up with friends. oh! maybe i can. i remember my laptop's in australia and i'm using my roomie's laptop AND her prepaid broadband (many thanks to jenny!). so yeah, i can stop. i have no choice. Ü

but this need to be online all the time, what is this?

to check on the latest news? probably. to update self on family's or friends' lives? maybe. to show the world that i, however insignificant, do exist? HAHA, not really. hmmmm... OK, you caught me. you're right.

so really logging on to the web is a basic need now, together with eating and breathing. think they should start updating the science books now.

to all my friends who enjoy this need, er i mean, surfing and gaming and chatting and everything else that you enjoy online, thank you. i'm not alone.