mint

Life is good.

Sometimes, it isn't but TODAY it is.

That's enough for me.

May the endorphins lull me to sleep now.

Got Nothing To Do

I was getting bored and so I bloghopped. A lazy hobby of mine, this is becoming a favorite. Anyway, I came across this Trivia or whatever-you-call-this from Tsin.

Try it and you will see that it's funny, if you have the least bit of humor in you. Like I did! :) You may want to try your friends' names first. *wink

Anyway, a couple of weeks back, I made a photocopy of my hand on an all-in-one printer. Again I was bored. It was running out of black ink so it may have produced the one below using the 3 colors of ink.

scanned copy of the print

It's funny how it made me think about Titanic. Ha Ha Ha! I know it's weird. Well, I'm bored. That's why. Now then, let me get back to, uh, sleep...

swing me swing swing,

chiclois ♥

my cup of iced tea

i have been meaning to share what i have been feeling these days... but i wouldn't know where to start. i'm afraid that when i finally succeeded in blogging it, that it won't be what i expect it to be.

'ay bahala nah!'

there is this constant unrest inside me. where this come from i don't know. i've been trying to compose this blog since two weeks ago.. until now, i can't even finish. i'm not sure when i will post this for fear of reading it and still find it wanting. :(

i talked with j and we felt the same about our dilemma with our family not agreeing with our practices on faith; which is attending the Bread of Life service and still attending Catholic mass. i feel nourished everytime i attend their service, i don't even feel bad. i still want to go attend the mass, though honestly i'm not as enthusiastic as i was before back in college. i'd rather attend mass in Dumaguete City than here in Cebu and this may be one reason. anyway, i don't wanna talk about it to my family but it felt good knowing that someone can totally relate to me. still there is this feeling of confusion inside me. i need enlightenment.

also i feel that there's more that i can do, more that i can be. i feel stuck, i feel restless. it seems like i'm wasting my time yet i feel exhausted all the time. i'm guilty of procrastinating the things i need to do and when i finally come around to doing them, i'm not satisfied still. why? i used to think that i will be better this year, i will work harder both for family and for myself. that i will do whatever it takes to excel in whatever i am into.

now, i've observed that i have not been doing things wholeheartedly. case in point, my relationship with my boyfriend/bestest friend in the whole wide world is not the best scenario. we're happy now though we're very very far, the farthest we've been for so long. there are times i'm guilty of not spending more time with him aka chat times or call times, i also do not text him when i reach the office. this worries him coz i work nights. i should never forget to do this, but i do. it makes me feel so bad for he has been patient about my shortcomings. i don't wanna say that it's because of the distance that makes me be like this, though maybe if we're closer (like if we're in the same country, not even city) i'd be a better girlfriend.

or that i don't go home as much as i did before, and when i do, i bring friends over that i don't spend that much time with them. i know you don't want me to whine but... sigh.

there is no conclusion here for me. i'm still in the process of creating a definition of me at twenty five with the sweetest boyfriend, with gorgeous but don't-see-them-as-often as-i-want friends, with an awesome but errant team, with invasive but loving family. the eternal "who am i" question.

perhaps, i need a retreat? just for a while... what do you think? pull to open for EXIT.

"minsan may isang puta"

Let me share with you this essay on this memorable Flag Day. May you draw a learning or two from the essay. Read on:

Tingin ng mga bobong kapitbahay ko puta daw ako. Nagpapagamit, binabayaran. Sabi nila ako daw ang pinakamaganda at inakasikat sa aming lugar noon. Ang bango-bango ko daw, sariwa at makinis. Di ko nga alam kung sumpa ito, dahil dito naletse ang kinabukasan ko. Tara makinig ka muna sa kwento ko, yosi muna tayo.

Alam mo, maraming lumapit sa akin, nagkagusto, naakit. Ang hirap pag lahat sa iyo virgin eh. Tinanggap ko naman silang tao, bakit kaya nila ako ginago? Masakit alalahanin, iniisip ko na lang na kase di sila taga rito, siguro talagang ganoon. Tatlong malilibog na foreigners ang namyesta sa katawan ko, na-rape daw ako….

Sa tatlong beses akong nagahasa, ang pinakahuli ang di ko makakalimutan. Parang maski di ko ginusto ang mga nangyari, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Tinulungan nya kasi akong makalimutan yung mga sadistang Hapon at Co?? Kase, ibang-iba ang hagod niya. Umiikot ang mundo ko sa tuwing ginagamit niya ako. Ibang klase siya mag-sorry, lalo pa at kinupkop niya ako at ang mga naging anak ko.

Parating ang dami naming regalo - may chocolates, yosi, ano ka! May datung pa! Nakakabaliw siya, alam kong ginagamit nya lang ako pero pagamit naman ako nang pagamit. Sa kanya namin natutunan mag-inggles, di lang magsulat ha! Magbasa pa! Hanggang ngayon, sa tuwing mabigat ang problema ko, siya ang tinatakbuhan ko. ‘Yun nga lang, lahat ng bagay may kapalit. Nung kinasama ko siya, guminhawa buhay namin. Sosyal na sosyal kami.

Ewan ko nga ba, akala ko napapamahal na ako sa kanya. Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na kaligayahan namin, yun pala unti-unti niya akong pinapatay. Putang Ina! Sa dami ng lason na sinaksak niya sa katawan ko, muntik na akong malaspag. Ang daming nagsabi na ang tanga tanga ko. Patalsikin ko na daw. Sa tulong ng mga anak ko, napalayas ko ang animal pero ang hirap magsimula. Masyado na kaming nasanay sa sarap ng buhay na naranasan namin sa kanya. Lubog na lubog pa kami sa utang, kulang ata pati kaluluwa namin para ibayad sa mga inutang namin.

Sinikap naming lahat maging maganda ang buhay namin. Ayun, mga nasa Japan , Hong Kong, Saudi ang mga anak ko. Yung iba nag-US, Europe . ‘Yung iba ayaw umalis sa akin. Halos lahat, wala naman silbi, masaya daw sa piling ko, maski amoy usok ako.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko na nagsisikap na tulungan ang kalagayan namin, siya din ang dami ng mga anak ko na namamantala sa kabuhayan at kayaman na itinatabi ko para sa punyetang kinabukasan naming lahat. Dumating ang panahon na di na kami halos makaahon sa hirap ng buhay. Napakahirap dahil nasanay na kami sa ginhawa at sarap.

Ang di ko inaakala ay mismong mga anak ko, ang tuluyang sisira sa akin. Napakasakit tanggapin na malinlang. Akala ko ay makakakita ako ng magiging kasama sa buhay sa mga ahas na ipinakilala ng mga anak ko Hindi pala. Ang tanga ko talaga. Binugaw ako ng sarili kong mga anak kapalit ng kwarta at pansamantalang ginhawa na nais nilang matamasa.

Wala na akong nagawa dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa aking mga anak. Wala akong ibang yaman kundi ganda ko. Pinagamit ko na lang ng pinagamit ang sarili ko, basta maginhawa lang ang mga anak ko.

Usap-usapan ako ng mga kapitbahay ko. May nanghihinayang, namumuhi at naaawa. Puta na kase ang isang magandang tulad ko.
Alam mo, gusto ko na sanang tumigil sa pagpuputa kaso ang laki talaga ng letseng utang ko eh. Palaki pa ng palaki. Kulang na kulang. Paano na lang ang mga anak ko naiwan sa aking punyetang puder?

Baka di na ako balikan o bisitahin ng mga nag-abroad kong mga anak. Hindi na
importante kung laspagin man ang ganda ko, madama ko lang ang pagmamahal ng mga anak ko. Malaman nila na gagawin ko ang lahat para sa kanila.

Sa tuwing titingin ako sa salamin, alam ko maganda pa rin ako. Meron pa din ang bilib sa akin. Napapag usapan pa din. Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha ko sa salamin, nakikita ko ang mga anak ko. Tutulo na lang ang mga luha ko ng di ko namamalayan. Ang gagaling nga ng mga anak ko, namamayagpag kahit saan sila pumunta. Mahusay sa kahit anong gawin. Tama man o mali . Proud ako sa kanila.
Kaso sila, kabaligtaran ang nararamdaman para sa akin.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko, iilan lang ang may malasakit sa akin. May malasakit man, nahihilaw. Ni di nga ako kinikilalang ina. Halos lahat sila galit sa isa’t isa. Walang gusto magtulungan, naghihilahan pa. Angdami ko ng pasakit na tiniis pero walang
sasakit pa nung sarili kong mga anak ang nagbugaw sa akin. Kinapital ang laspag
na ganda ko. Masyado silang nasanay sa sarap ng buhay. Minsan sa pagtingin ko sa
salamin, ni hindi ko na nga kilala sarili ko.
Dadating na naman ang pasko, sana maalala naman ako ng mga anak ko. Isang buwan pa, magbabagong taon na.
Natatakot ako sa taong darating. Ngayon pa lang usap usapan na ang susunod na
pagbubugaw ng ilan sa mga anak ko. Sana may magtanggol naman sa akin, ipaglaban
naman nila ako. Gusto kong isigaw: “INA NINYO AKO! MAHALIN NYO NAMAN
AKO!”

Sige, dumadrama na ako. Masisira na ang make up ko nito eh. Salamat ha,
pinakinggan mo ako.

Ay sorry, di ko nasabi pangalan ko.
Pilipinas nga pala.

Author : Mike Portes

no need

watched the news today.

learned that there are now 29 confirmed cases of influenza A(H1N1) virus, or more commonly known as swine flu, here in the country. 2 of which are in Cebu, probably 3.

arrived at work and opened email. got this: nice.

bubble babble

i remember high school, or rather college. well, i remember college more vividly...

i talk on the phone with friends or classmates for hours, burning the line on nothing but gossip, boys, plans for the weekend, and more gossip. sometimes Nanay would scold me yet i fervently go on and on on the phone. "you just saw each other today and spent most of your time with them." she's right, but we always have so much to talk about and so little time.

nowadays, i can't stop going online to chat up with friends. oh! maybe i can. i remember my laptop's in australia and i'm using my roomie's laptop AND her prepaid broadband (many thanks to jenny!). so yeah, i can stop. i have no choice. Ü

but this need to be online all the time, what is this?

to check on the latest news? probably. to update self on family's or friends' lives? maybe. to show the world that i, however insignificant, do exist? HAHA, not really. hmmmm... OK, you caught me. you're right.

so really logging on to the web is a basic need now, together with eating and breathing. think they should start updating the science books now.

to all my friends who enjoy this need, er i mean, surfing and gaming and chatting and everything else that you enjoy online, thank you. i'm not alone.

undermining dignity

this video scandal involving hayden kho and katrina halili has been the talk of everyone for weeks now. how katrina danced and performed, how gorgeous the girls are on bed with hayden, how vicky belo maybe seething thru demure act, how the senate hearing went, how this scandal has caused uproar.

one should not tolerate the idea that just because hayden is uber-rich and saksakan ng gwapo that he may have his fill. his fill of sex videos, that is. what was he thinking?! he reasons that he was into drugs that time. a well-thought-of but not enough excuse. i don't really care what goes on in the privacy of the bedrooms of other people but what hayden did was undermine the dignity of his partners. he showed he has no respect for women, that he thinks of them as objects in his fantasies. even if it was vicky belo's or eric chua's (or whoever's) fault that the video has been uploaded onto the web and has worked its way into people's desktop or laptop or even video-capable phones; this would not have happened if hayden has high regard for women.

it pains me to say but i think everyone seems to have already watched a video of hayden's exploits. some may think it fun, or that they were curious what everyone else is talking about, or for their own purpose, i don't know. but everytime a hayden video is viewed, it adds to decreasing value for women in general.

well, i can only blog what i think. my resolve is to not look at sex scandals at all. pray you can do the same thing.

right now

what's on my mind right now?

> what to wear later when i go to ayala? i'm excited to see my cousins whom i didn't see for a long time.

> what time will my boyfriend go online? and so, will we be online at the same time? i wanna talk to him. blah blah blah

> will i be able to save money from my next paycheck? the last one didn't do so fine. i'm on a stage cebuanos call ting-bits

> who will become the next president? will he/she do better than Arroyo? will the government be able to rise from corruption to be able to serve the Filipinos first before themselves? no one would really know

> i love the silence, just the whirring of the electric fan beside me and the clicking of the keyboard as i type away

> i'm playing Make Me a Celebrity on Facebook, when will i be able to buy a Home in the Hamptons?

> i'm hungry, where shall i eat later? what shall i eat? my gums doesn't hurt that much anymore. i need to remember to take my meds after eating.

> i just saw "The Duchess" by Kiera Knightley. does the Duke really have to hurt Georgiana so much? describing him rude is an understatement. emotionally oppressive maybe right on spot. were all Brits so stern and uncaring of the women's feelings? good thing, i'm born to a society who accepts women as equals now.

> i miss my family, my little brother especially... however, he is not so little anymore. with 10 years between us, but we talk and laugh like friends. wish he can stay with me here in Cebu.

> what do ppl think when they read my blog? do they see random ramblings? or do they see me a person who like them, have so many decisions to make everyday, so many questions that they can't seem to ask anyone but themselves? i don't know... my mind may burst with all these ideas but i hope i still seem sane to people around me. for their sake, i hope they never find out. or maybe they already do... whatever.

on faith

before you continue reading this, know that all this is based on personal opinion. however i would also love to hear your thoughts on this.

I am a Catholic. I am a Christian.
They don't necessarily mean the same thing. Yet I am both.

I have been baptized in the Catholic church, been taught the Catholic doctrine, been attending Catholic schools except college. I have been raised by Catholic parents and relatives. Though I believe I am faithful, I am not far from sin at all.

Lately I have been attending service by a Christian group. We sing songs of worship, then the pastor will speak for an hour on the topic prepared. Then another set of praise songs will be sung as recap for the service. Usually, my eyes will water and I won't notice until tears run my face while singing. I don't know why singing touches me so.

Last weekend, I was with my relatives and the topic of religion came up and I mentioned that I was recently at a christian gathering. My uncle chastised me by saying that they are trying to recruit me into their group. I did not think they were, so I did not say anything. He however went into a long argument how they will try to lure people into their religion. I felt he was being bias. Though he made me feel a bit paranoid, he may still be right at some point.

Anyway, wherever I am I know what I believe in and I will still remain what I really am: a child of God. No one can take that away from me. I Am Nothing without CHRIST. This is what being a Christian means.

Religion is important. For some, it even provides structure in one's life. For others, it is their relationship with the Maker. For me, FAITH is the most significant of all for without this, religion is nothing. A church is not a church without the faithful, as they say. I try to remain faithful amidst challenges and joys in life. Though sometimes it can be strenuous that I wouldn't know what to do. I would feel totally lost and helpless but I will turn to prayer. I just tell myself it would soon be over anyway.

So there. My thoughts on faith. ♥

scary ordeal

my new fear: Dentist Chair.

i went to the dentist yesterday for aesthetic reasons.. i never thought that i would need a tooth extraction.

Dra. Velos, the dentist, proceeded with application of anesthesia and waited until it took effect: my gums went numb basically. she was having a hard time taking the tooth out as it was kinda twisted, blame my genes for strong but crooked teeth. ugh. i hated the whole ordeal, spitting out saliva and sometimes blood in the middle of the dentist's effort in extracting my stubborn teeth. ewww.. as soon as the crown broke off from its root, i got real scared. she had to drill into my gums. arrggghhh! at last! everything was removed though it took more than 2 hours for the whole thing. i can't imagine any other time i felt greater relief than when i left the chair.

so anyone who needs to go to the dentist, make sure you have muttered all your courage before lying down on that scary chair. my heart goes out to all of you.

the one thing that i was happy about even after all this. i get to eat ice cream! weeee... my relatives were with me and when we had dinner at chowking, they all gave me their scoops of ice cream from their halo-halo! how great is that! :D

till my next post... see yah!