rain down on me

what an emotional week or so for me!


last week King of Pop MJ died, i never really knew him nor did i adore him like alot of his critics or fans. but for me, i almost cried coz i cannot believe a great talent like him has passed on. i was really looking forward to his comeback concert in London albeit his supposedly last one. now, there's nothing except tributes from the music industry or news on his huge $4M debt or the custody of his children and his burial. so long, Man in the Mirror. the world must let you go now... Requiem Eternam Michael Jackson.
previous Sunday, i watched Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen with joanna r and i really enjoyed it. the effects were really rad and Shia and Josh were oh-so hot and i love Optimus Prime since childhood. the plot moved me. why? coz i really thought Prime really died, for about 5 seconds. i realized of course, that the protagonist wouldn't die or it would've been all over the reviews. right? anyway, Sam saved him and all was well. the movie was really great except for the part when history was told by a Decepticon (i didn't figure out the name) when they were in Egyptian desert. it bored me. all in all, i wanna watch it again yet Transformers was still better.

yesterday, i had a heart-to-heart talk with my boyfriend thru chat and i just couldn't hold back the tears. no need for details here but good thing, no one discovered the tears. amidst the distance and the obvious challenges, i can now calm the fears in my heart with the confidence that we can rise up and be declared winners in the long run. long it may seem, i know it will come.


"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.”
by Comte DeBussy-Rabutin


just minutes ago, i was reading the Reader's Digest Asia June 2009 issue. so i started with My Story entry entitled "The Dior Kiss". it was about a mom that hardly shows any expression of love to her kids. i can totally relate for i was growing up with a bit difficult relationship with my mom. and she was no different from the mom described in the narrative. there were times that i remember when i try to cozy up with her while watching tv, she would brush me off saying that it's too warm; or that if i try to hold her hand while walking, she'd let go of it. but as i got older, i held on and i would notice she'd smile sometimes. she was probably a very strict and practical mom but she raised us up almost on her own for my father was out of the country most of the time working as a crew on an international ship.

looking back, i wouldn't have exchanged any of the experiences i had with my mom for i wouldn't be who i am if not for her. she only wanted what was best for us. that's it. so the story might have made some tears fall for i remembered what it felt like. but i'll always love her. and i know she us loves us even more. moms, they're like that you know?


so if it's gonna rain on me this week or any other week, i can face it with whole heart and to never back down on anything.



"if not a rainy day, a rainy heart."
-cheezenibbles





xo .lois.

if friends make me rich, i wouldn't have known poverty at all

X-Amount of Words
You're solar, bipolar
Panic disorder
Seems harder and harder and harder
Still you try to control it
by Blue October

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friends come and go. you meet new ones and keep them old.

some are remarkable. some are plain crazy!

you laugh or cry, they make you smile again.

chiclois

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~a tributum ut meus amicitia~

a tribute to my friends
we all got amazing friends. some more than the others, right?
let me share with you my friends who have inspired me alot these days and the reasons why.

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she loves music. she loves to belt our her fave songs. the DJ in the team, she plays the songs requested. she is also my biggest source of mp3s. she plays Thinking of You by Katy Perry at least once every day since she got back from leave -- May 25 right? she never misses a day.

tsin - radical blogger

she has gorgeous clothes, bags, shoes and knows how strut them. she has a big laugh and amazing smile. very talk-active and down to earth. everyone knows her as the girl who announced with a wave: "Hi! I'm famous." *wink*

julie - doña

she loves her cuppycake very much. she can be as cold as she was warm the next minute. a vagabond at heart, always looking for that something that will satisfy her mind. she eats her noodles without the soup.

lady di - gemini



she is the biggest fan of John West. she knows who's who in hollywood. she usually updates me celebrity news: she woke me up one morning to tell me that Jacko just died. she's on facebook, twitter, myspace, and everywhere else.

agnes - roommate


she is my biggest fan. haha! not really. she is a dear friend to me, not because she has been there when i need her. but because i want to be there for her when she does. she has crazy colored shoes. maybe i should get photos of them so i can post them. she challenges my sanity all the time.

helen - eternal poser


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"if friends make me rich, i wouldn't have known poverty at all."

my cup of iced tea

i have been meaning to share what i have been feeling these days... but i wouldn't know where to start. i'm afraid that when i finally succeeded in blogging it, that it won't be what i expect it to be.

'ay bahala nah!'

there is this constant unrest inside me. where this come from i don't know. i've been trying to compose this blog since two weeks ago.. until now, i can't even finish. i'm not sure when i will post this for fear of reading it and still find it wanting. :(

i talked with j and we felt the same about our dilemma with our family not agreeing with our practices on faith; which is attending the Bread of Life service and still attending Catholic mass. i feel nourished everytime i attend their service, i don't even feel bad. i still want to go attend the mass, though honestly i'm not as enthusiastic as i was before back in college. i'd rather attend mass in Dumaguete City than here in Cebu and this may be one reason. anyway, i don't wanna talk about it to my family but it felt good knowing that someone can totally relate to me. still there is this feeling of confusion inside me. i need enlightenment.

also i feel that there's more that i can do, more that i can be. i feel stuck, i feel restless. it seems like i'm wasting my time yet i feel exhausted all the time. i'm guilty of procrastinating the things i need to do and when i finally come around to doing them, i'm not satisfied still. why? i used to think that i will be better this year, i will work harder both for family and for myself. that i will do whatever it takes to excel in whatever i am into.

now, i've observed that i have not been doing things wholeheartedly. case in point, my relationship with my boyfriend/bestest friend in the whole wide world is not the best scenario. we're happy now though we're very very far, the farthest we've been for so long. there are times i'm guilty of not spending more time with him aka chat times or call times, i also do not text him when i reach the office. this worries him coz i work nights. i should never forget to do this, but i do. it makes me feel so bad for he has been patient about my shortcomings. i don't wanna say that it's because of the distance that makes me be like this, though maybe if we're closer (like if we're in the same country, not even city) i'd be a better girlfriend.

or that i don't go home as much as i did before, and when i do, i bring friends over that i don't spend that much time with them. i know you don't want me to whine but... sigh.

there is no conclusion here for me. i'm still in the process of creating a definition of me at twenty five with the sweetest boyfriend, with gorgeous but don't-see-them-as-often as-i-want friends, with an awesome but errant team, with invasive but loving family. the eternal "who am i" question.

perhaps, i need a retreat? just for a while... what do you think? pull to open for EXIT.

"minsan may isang puta"

Let me share with you this essay on this memorable Flag Day. May you draw a learning or two from the essay. Read on:

Tingin ng mga bobong kapitbahay ko puta daw ako. Nagpapagamit, binabayaran. Sabi nila ako daw ang pinakamaganda at inakasikat sa aming lugar noon. Ang bango-bango ko daw, sariwa at makinis. Di ko nga alam kung sumpa ito, dahil dito naletse ang kinabukasan ko. Tara makinig ka muna sa kwento ko, yosi muna tayo.

Alam mo, maraming lumapit sa akin, nagkagusto, naakit. Ang hirap pag lahat sa iyo virgin eh. Tinanggap ko naman silang tao, bakit kaya nila ako ginago? Masakit alalahanin, iniisip ko na lang na kase di sila taga rito, siguro talagang ganoon. Tatlong malilibog na foreigners ang namyesta sa katawan ko, na-rape daw ako….

Sa tatlong beses akong nagahasa, ang pinakahuli ang di ko makakalimutan. Parang maski di ko ginusto ang mga nangyari, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Tinulungan nya kasi akong makalimutan yung mga sadistang Hapon at Co?? Kase, ibang-iba ang hagod niya. Umiikot ang mundo ko sa tuwing ginagamit niya ako. Ibang klase siya mag-sorry, lalo pa at kinupkop niya ako at ang mga naging anak ko.

Parating ang dami naming regalo - may chocolates, yosi, ano ka! May datung pa! Nakakabaliw siya, alam kong ginagamit nya lang ako pero pagamit naman ako nang pagamit. Sa kanya namin natutunan mag-inggles, di lang magsulat ha! Magbasa pa! Hanggang ngayon, sa tuwing mabigat ang problema ko, siya ang tinatakbuhan ko. ‘Yun nga lang, lahat ng bagay may kapalit. Nung kinasama ko siya, guminhawa buhay namin. Sosyal na sosyal kami.

Ewan ko nga ba, akala ko napapamahal na ako sa kanya. Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na kaligayahan namin, yun pala unti-unti niya akong pinapatay. Putang Ina! Sa dami ng lason na sinaksak niya sa katawan ko, muntik na akong malaspag. Ang daming nagsabi na ang tanga tanga ko. Patalsikin ko na daw. Sa tulong ng mga anak ko, napalayas ko ang animal pero ang hirap magsimula. Masyado na kaming nasanay sa sarap ng buhay na naranasan namin sa kanya. Lubog na lubog pa kami sa utang, kulang ata pati kaluluwa namin para ibayad sa mga inutang namin.

Sinikap naming lahat maging maganda ang buhay namin. Ayun, mga nasa Japan , Hong Kong, Saudi ang mga anak ko. Yung iba nag-US, Europe . ‘Yung iba ayaw umalis sa akin. Halos lahat, wala naman silbi, masaya daw sa piling ko, maski amoy usok ako.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko na nagsisikap na tulungan ang kalagayan namin, siya din ang dami ng mga anak ko na namamantala sa kabuhayan at kayaman na itinatabi ko para sa punyetang kinabukasan naming lahat. Dumating ang panahon na di na kami halos makaahon sa hirap ng buhay. Napakahirap dahil nasanay na kami sa ginhawa at sarap.

Ang di ko inaakala ay mismong mga anak ko, ang tuluyang sisira sa akin. Napakasakit tanggapin na malinlang. Akala ko ay makakakita ako ng magiging kasama sa buhay sa mga ahas na ipinakilala ng mga anak ko Hindi pala. Ang tanga ko talaga. Binugaw ako ng sarili kong mga anak kapalit ng kwarta at pansamantalang ginhawa na nais nilang matamasa.

Wala na akong nagawa dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa aking mga anak. Wala akong ibang yaman kundi ganda ko. Pinagamit ko na lang ng pinagamit ang sarili ko, basta maginhawa lang ang mga anak ko.

Usap-usapan ako ng mga kapitbahay ko. May nanghihinayang, namumuhi at naaawa. Puta na kase ang isang magandang tulad ko.
Alam mo, gusto ko na sanang tumigil sa pagpuputa kaso ang laki talaga ng letseng utang ko eh. Palaki pa ng palaki. Kulang na kulang. Paano na lang ang mga anak ko naiwan sa aking punyetang puder?

Baka di na ako balikan o bisitahin ng mga nag-abroad kong mga anak. Hindi na
importante kung laspagin man ang ganda ko, madama ko lang ang pagmamahal ng mga anak ko. Malaman nila na gagawin ko ang lahat para sa kanila.

Sa tuwing titingin ako sa salamin, alam ko maganda pa rin ako. Meron pa din ang bilib sa akin. Napapag usapan pa din. Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha ko sa salamin, nakikita ko ang mga anak ko. Tutulo na lang ang mga luha ko ng di ko namamalayan. Ang gagaling nga ng mga anak ko, namamayagpag kahit saan sila pumunta. Mahusay sa kahit anong gawin. Tama man o mali . Proud ako sa kanila.
Kaso sila, kabaligtaran ang nararamdaman para sa akin.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko, iilan lang ang may malasakit sa akin. May malasakit man, nahihilaw. Ni di nga ako kinikilalang ina. Halos lahat sila galit sa isa’t isa. Walang gusto magtulungan, naghihilahan pa. Angdami ko ng pasakit na tiniis pero walang
sasakit pa nung sarili kong mga anak ang nagbugaw sa akin. Kinapital ang laspag
na ganda ko. Masyado silang nasanay sa sarap ng buhay. Minsan sa pagtingin ko sa
salamin, ni hindi ko na nga kilala sarili ko.
Dadating na naman ang pasko, sana maalala naman ako ng mga anak ko. Isang buwan pa, magbabagong taon na.
Natatakot ako sa taong darating. Ngayon pa lang usap usapan na ang susunod na
pagbubugaw ng ilan sa mga anak ko. Sana may magtanggol naman sa akin, ipaglaban
naman nila ako. Gusto kong isigaw: “INA NINYO AKO! MAHALIN NYO NAMAN
AKO!”

Sige, dumadrama na ako. Masisira na ang make up ko nito eh. Salamat ha,
pinakinggan mo ako.

Ay sorry, di ko nasabi pangalan ko.
Pilipinas nga pala.

Author : Mike Portes

first driving lesson

a dream to drive

a 10 yr old girl was waiting in the car for her sister from school. the sister rides on the school bus but will be dropped only up to the central capitol building, this is where the girl waits with her uncle. uncle decides to buy food and gave careful instructions not to touch the car controls, as the girl nodded in agreement.

and as the uncle turned back and left the car, the girl transferred to the driver's seat from where she was sitting shotgun.

in her mind, she was the driver. moving the stick shift, turning the wheel left and right, honking, and remembering her uncle when relieving the hand brake.

and then... the car started to move downhill towards the busy highway. she froze. she wanted to step on the brake but she wasn't sure which of them. is it the left or the right pad? or the one on the center? she thought if she steps on the wrong one, the car would propel forward. she wanted to call out to the bystanders on the park but her voice got stuck. she doesn't know what to do!

so... she just let the car roll slowly. she prayed her uncle won't get mad if she ruins the car.

good thing there was a truck. the car bumped onto the truck stopping the car from going directly to the highway. wee! saved. the uncle arrived just in time to see the girl who looked as though she was gonna faint, and helped her out. he just shook his head in disbelief.

P.S. girl in the car was me.

P.P.S. the dent on the car will forever haunt me.

"nothing is so common as the wish to become remarkable."
- Shakespeare

apee beer-day dianne!

Dianne
born on June 5. Gemini


I read up on her horoscope to better understand her. The ones in italicized green are my thoughts. Here goes:
Of all people Geminis are the most difficult to understand; in temperament they are hot and cold almost at the same moment. ay, this is so true! just yesterday, she was so quiet doing what she's doing while at work but towards the end of the day, she was back to her lively self again. Twins at work! They love with one side of their nature and they are often critical or dislike with the other people. They have sharp wit and excellent powers of observation. Really. They believe they are truthful, constant, faithful, and so they may be at the moment, but every moment to them has a separate existence. Haha! So Dianne. You can't blame her, she is a different Dianne every time. If you get to know her, prepare yourself for a whirl! Almost all of them are great talkers and usually very much in demand socially because they are so entertaining. Gemini is the life of the party. Here's why.

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y ! ! !
Thank you for making my life colorful. :D

thank you to:

http://www.gotohoroscope.com/gemini-meanings.html

where are you?

i don't wanna be alone.
nobody wants to be alone, right?

well, i know this girl who wants to be alone. i used to think she is just saying this as her excuse whatever. but she really wants to be left alone. she can live with her thoughts AND if she is left in Sahara Desert for a month, she's gonna survive. i hear not alot of people will after 10 days because humans cannot live alone. they have to interact with other humans, else they die. actually, this girl is talkative and has a loud laugh.

we used to talk and laugh alot and have fun all the time, but that was when we still hang out together. now all that's different. aside from the fact that we don't see each other that often anymore, she has gone back to retreat to her own world. her universe where she enjoys her own companionship. i miss her yet i tire of reaching out to her then she pulls back. is it gonna be this way still? hope not.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...
It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C.S. Lewis

jEnNy

She calls me baby
Then she won't call me,
Says she adores me
And then ignores me.
Jenny
What's the problem?

just singing your song... hehehe

Hapee burtdey fwend!
May God continue to shower His blessings on you.
You deserve everything and more. weeeee...
i love you jenny! :D

no need

watched the news today.

learned that there are now 29 confirmed cases of influenza A(H1N1) virus, or more commonly known as swine flu, here in the country. 2 of which are in Cebu, probably 3.

arrived at work and opened email. got this: nice.

bubble babble

i remember high school, or rather college. well, i remember college more vividly...

i talk on the phone with friends or classmates for hours, burning the line on nothing but gossip, boys, plans for the weekend, and more gossip. sometimes Nanay would scold me yet i fervently go on and on on the phone. "you just saw each other today and spent most of your time with them." she's right, but we always have so much to talk about and so little time.

nowadays, i can't stop going online to chat up with friends. oh! maybe i can. i remember my laptop's in australia and i'm using my roomie's laptop AND her prepaid broadband (many thanks to jenny!). so yeah, i can stop. i have no choice. Ü

but this need to be online all the time, what is this?

to check on the latest news? probably. to update self on family's or friends' lives? maybe. to show the world that i, however insignificant, do exist? HAHA, not really. hmmmm... OK, you caught me. you're right.

so really logging on to the web is a basic need now, together with eating and breathing. think they should start updating the science books now.

to all my friends who enjoy this need, er i mean, surfing and gaming and chatting and everything else that you enjoy online, thank you. i'm not alone.

undermining dignity

this video scandal involving hayden kho and katrina halili has been the talk of everyone for weeks now. how katrina danced and performed, how gorgeous the girls are on bed with hayden, how vicky belo maybe seething thru demure act, how the senate hearing went, how this scandal has caused uproar.

one should not tolerate the idea that just because hayden is uber-rich and saksakan ng gwapo that he may have his fill. his fill of sex videos, that is. what was he thinking?! he reasons that he was into drugs that time. a well-thought-of but not enough excuse. i don't really care what goes on in the privacy of the bedrooms of other people but what hayden did was undermine the dignity of his partners. he showed he has no respect for women, that he thinks of them as objects in his fantasies. even if it was vicky belo's or eric chua's (or whoever's) fault that the video has been uploaded onto the web and has worked its way into people's desktop or laptop or even video-capable phones; this would not have happened if hayden has high regard for women.

it pains me to say but i think everyone seems to have already watched a video of hayden's exploits. some may think it fun, or that they were curious what everyone else is talking about, or for their own purpose, i don't know. but everytime a hayden video is viewed, it adds to decreasing value for women in general.

well, i can only blog what i think. my resolve is to not look at sex scandals at all. pray you can do the same thing.