Day 1

The only person who really knows me, who cares about me and loves me is now hurting because of me. I lied to him yesterday. I was scared to let him know where I was and who I was with because we might fight again. I didn't want us to fight. But he found out. I could never really lie to him, he knows. He always knows me. Now, he wants to end our more than 7-year relationship.
And now I am scared. I'm really scared because I don't know what to do now. He has always been my shoulder to cry on, my strong arm to carry me through a difficult day, my bestfriend who never lets me down. I know there's no way to take back what I did, but I wish I can! I wish I never lied! It was so stupid to think he won't know about it.
I know he's had enough of me now. He wants to move on without me.
How painful his words are to me now! I've never been so hurt by him, but he is in so much pain he because of me. He said he loves me still, but it's not enough anymore as his trust for me has gone completely. How can we move forward together when that basic requirement is now lost?
I cannot stand the pain of losing him. But more than that, I can't stand the pain of knowing he is hurting because of me.
Guilt. Regret. Sadness.
They are my companions today.
I told him that I'll always be here for him but he replies that I am making it harder for both of us. He really just wants nothing to do with me anymore. How can I change things???
Please Lord, tell me what to do.




Day 1 now ends...

I am a Filipino.

Warm tears keep trekking down my face once it started. I tried in vain to stop them from falling. It was the first time I felt a sense of awareness or enlightenment; but instead of feeling pride from the wisdom I felt, I can only feel pain. It hurts me to realize that I have been a lukewarm Filipino my whole life. I cannot blame this from my environment --- always being exposed to western brands of clothing or eating habits or paradigms, movies, songs and a lot of other things --- because I know I always have a choice. A choice to be Filipino and to show to others that I'm proud to be one.

Never was there a day was I ever guilty of choosing something American over something Filipino-made. I remember I had an argument with my sister a long time ago, about what was better to snack on --- potato chips over puto kutsinta (or was it palitaw?). I felt good I won that fight, but now I feel ashamed thinking back.

I used to think that just because US and all the other 1st world countries are progressive because they are better, and that my own nation sucks because we are still underdeveloped. So many people from all over the world has been proud of what the country had to offer --- abundant natural resources, hospitable and God-fearing people and a government that opens its arms to all kinds of trade. The same reasons which have been abused by Filipinos and by other people. And that made me feel tired, exhausted. I thought that there is no hope for my country from the graft and corruption of the government, poverty and illiteracy for a big chunk of my country men, and from people like me who are lukewarm. The same people who stand back and do nothing but talk back and complain about the situation of the Philippines, thinking that they could only help by discussing the problems and dissecting the causes and babbling about grand ideas without even taking a step to really helping the country. I am one of them.

But I do not want to be anymore. I want say that --- I was one of them --- in the future. So I can share what my mistakes were and show to the others how and what I learned. Though I still need direction and guidance as I don't know where to even start... But I just want to be a better Filipino than I was for the most part of my life.

Forgive me if I'm also writing in English as I am more eloquent than in Filipino. It's not an excuse, but still I need to learn how to write (and speak) better Filipino language.

So, you might wonder when and where this all happened? This was last Sunday at Bread of Life service. I was already crying since the start of the praise & worship (first song, chorus). I can't even understand why. It was a miracle for me. No one touched me. No one was even really talking in front, but a group of musically inclined youths who shared their talents to lead the songs in the service. I cannot even say that what I felt was also universally felt by everyone in the congregation that time for both my seat mates were neither crying nor sobbing, like I was. I just couldn't describe the overwhelming feeling I had, the sense of enlightenment and feeling of burden all at the same time. The hunger I felt to hear more of the music and the sense of purpose.

Yet, I am scared. I am scared that I might fail. Oh dear Lord, please help me.

The Adjustment Bureau

"I'm coming with you."

A simple line but it struck me the most.

The movie talks to me about faith, love and trust.

Faith, because of the underlying theme of The Chairman. The One who writes the path or what we might call destiny. Though there's always Chance - this is what's variable in life - yet most people don't do something about it.

Love. All movies, all songs everywhere always has an underlying theme of love. As they say, it makes the world go round. Cliche? Yes. But it is the core reason everyone gets up in the morning and gets going through the day - its' always love. In any form or in any way, we all have this and we never want to stop sharing about it. I guess what I want to say is, whether it's the love between lovers or friends or family: whether it's the start or the end of the line, it is always part of any story or music. It's all intercomnected because of love. We are all connected because of love.

Last but not at all the least among the three - TRUST.
Trust makes you vulnerable because you open up yourself to rejection, to possible pain, and to emptiness.
On the other hand, if that trust is reciprocated, then you become happy because all the risks is all worth it.

This movie is really talking to me about these 3 things, but more so, about trust. I broke one's trust. The only one whose trust I care about. Slowly, I'm still paying the price. It's not going to be easy, but I know it's all worth it.

"I'm coming with you."

And that is a promise...

where the love is in a cup of frozen dairy sweets

If you should know, somewhere in this mess of a blog, I posted my love of KFC krushers. It was the caramel crunch variety that I loved first, but sad to say, it did not last long like the other flavors. Oh well.

Then last year, I was sent here to Pasig for training. It was then, that I was brought to a frozen delightful corner that introduced me to and I fell in love at first sip with Caramel Moolatte. Yes, it's Dairy Queen! It's creamy-sweet and sinful just the way I like it. And I enjoyed at least one cup every day for the next week after that. It was baaad! Ha Ha Ha.

Now, that love story was short-lived. :( I had to go back home to Cebu, where Dairy Queen has not conquered yet. I hope to see DQ in my hometown soon. And I've been missing my caramelly chilled love-joy ever since.

Two days ago, I came back to Manila and was of course excited to try Dairy Queen again. I heard they had some new flavors. I've been swamped with things to do that it was only today, I got the time to hunt for the nearest Dairy Queen station.

Happiness. In. A. Cup. sip sip sip... and I let the flavor play around my mouth. Oooh bliss!

As I was going back to my hotel, I dropped by Podium to stroll and window-shop. One stall caught my eye and I knew that I got to try it. I almost didn't believe that the tubs on the freezer contained ice cream. They looked like the stuff you use as toppings on a soft ice cream. Hmm interesting. The girl at the counter gave me a free taste and so tried different flavors. Wow, it really is a fun way to eat ice cream. I purchased and enjoyed the orange & coffee cheesecake combo in a regular cup. I also realized that orange flavored ice cream is promising. Yey! So I've found a new love. Oh, and by the way, did I saythat it's Dippin' Dots?

You should try it. And if you have, tell me if bubble gum taste good coz I'm planning to get another cup tomorrow. ;-)

It's summer and it's really warmer than usual. But I can beat the sun's heat as long as I can enjoy my cup of frozen dairy sweets. So should you.

later,

chiclois ♥

mint

Life is good.

Sometimes, it isn't but TODAY it is.

That's enough for me.

May the endorphins lull me to sleep now.

broken glass

I miss you.

I know that I have been truant for about a year now, and I know it's inexcusable. But let me try to rationalize why I haven't been to see you for such a long time.

I've been busy. Yeah, that's right. After my last post, I was so preoccupied with work that I got too focused or distracted (however you want to see it) that every time I reach home, I get so tired and I can't even come up with random words to say to you.

I was too sad. Depressed? Maybe. My last post was about my disappointment at a friend who actually was the one who inspired me to start you, my dear blogger. So you understand that I don't really want to be reminded of that hurt.

I almost forgot you existed. This may sound harsh, but I just want to come clean to you. Because I ended up avoiding other blogs after the harsh EOF (that means End Of Friendship for you) that was all in my mind; for a time I forgot about you. I'm really to sorry to say that I did.

Now that I have listed the reasons above, I can see that they're not worth telling them. For they actually hurt much more than if I just shut up. Well, it's a good thing, then, that you don't have any feelings. Thanks for letting me air this all out. So now I want to let you know that I'm back and I'm gonna keep you.

There is also one other fairly new friend who inspired me to write again. She awaken in me the desire to write and express myself like I do when in front of my friends. She once said, that she is better with printed words than the spoken ones; while I, on the other hand, do not have the knack to write. As you well know, I am a little more than the usual talk-active girl in a group, and can be overbearing when I speak. I really enjoy talking, sometimes even more than listening --- which I should change. By writing more about what I really think and what I want to talk about, I can probably learn to be a more active listener.

Her name is Oena, by the way. And she just barely started her blog, which you may find uncanny for me. I only read one post, and she got me sobbing for dear life. But that's the way it is. Life sometimes throws you lessons in extra-ordinary people or circumstances. Thanks, Oen!

xoxo

chiclois ♥