rain down on me

what an emotional week or so for me!


last week King of Pop MJ died, i never really knew him nor did i adore him like alot of his critics or fans. but for me, i almost cried coz i cannot believe a great talent like him has passed on. i was really looking forward to his comeback concert in London albeit his supposedly last one. now, there's nothing except tributes from the music industry or news on his huge $4M debt or the custody of his children and his burial. so long, Man in the Mirror. the world must let you go now... Requiem Eternam Michael Jackson.
previous Sunday, i watched Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen with joanna r and i really enjoyed it. the effects were really rad and Shia and Josh were oh-so hot and i love Optimus Prime since childhood. the plot moved me. why? coz i really thought Prime really died, for about 5 seconds. i realized of course, that the protagonist wouldn't die or it would've been all over the reviews. right? anyway, Sam saved him and all was well. the movie was really great except for the part when history was told by a Decepticon (i didn't figure out the name) when they were in Egyptian desert. it bored me. all in all, i wanna watch it again yet Transformers was still better.

yesterday, i had a heart-to-heart talk with my boyfriend thru chat and i just couldn't hold back the tears. no need for details here but good thing, no one discovered the tears. amidst the distance and the obvious challenges, i can now calm the fears in my heart with the confidence that we can rise up and be declared winners in the long run. long it may seem, i know it will come.


"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.”
by Comte DeBussy-Rabutin


just minutes ago, i was reading the Reader's Digest Asia June 2009 issue. so i started with My Story entry entitled "The Dior Kiss". it was about a mom that hardly shows any expression of love to her kids. i can totally relate for i was growing up with a bit difficult relationship with my mom. and she was no different from the mom described in the narrative. there were times that i remember when i try to cozy up with her while watching tv, she would brush me off saying that it's too warm; or that if i try to hold her hand while walking, she'd let go of it. but as i got older, i held on and i would notice she'd smile sometimes. she was probably a very strict and practical mom but she raised us up almost on her own for my father was out of the country most of the time working as a crew on an international ship.

looking back, i wouldn't have exchanged any of the experiences i had with my mom for i wouldn't be who i am if not for her. she only wanted what was best for us. that's it. so the story might have made some tears fall for i remembered what it felt like. but i'll always love her. and i know she us loves us even more. moms, they're like that you know?


so if it's gonna rain on me this week or any other week, i can face it with whole heart and to never back down on anything.



"if not a rainy day, a rainy heart."
-cheezenibbles





xo .lois.

if friends make me rich, i wouldn't have known poverty at all

X-Amount of Words
You're solar, bipolar
Panic disorder
Seems harder and harder and harder
Still you try to control it
by Blue October

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friends come and go. you meet new ones and keep them old.

some are remarkable. some are plain crazy!

you laugh or cry, they make you smile again.

chiclois

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~a tributum ut meus amicitia~

a tribute to my friends
we all got amazing friends. some more than the others, right?
let me share with you my friends who have inspired me alot these days and the reasons why.

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she loves music. she loves to belt our her fave songs. the DJ in the team, she plays the songs requested. she is also my biggest source of mp3s. she plays Thinking of You by Katy Perry at least once every day since she got back from leave -- May 25 right? she never misses a day.

tsin - radical blogger

she has gorgeous clothes, bags, shoes and knows how strut them. she has a big laugh and amazing smile. very talk-active and down to earth. everyone knows her as the girl who announced with a wave: "Hi! I'm famous." *wink*

julie - doña

she loves her cuppycake very much. she can be as cold as she was warm the next minute. a vagabond at heart, always looking for that something that will satisfy her mind. she eats her noodles without the soup.

lady di - gemini



she is the biggest fan of John West. she knows who's who in hollywood. she usually updates me celebrity news: she woke me up one morning to tell me that Jacko just died. she's on facebook, twitter, myspace, and everywhere else.

agnes - roommate


she is my biggest fan. haha! not really. she is a dear friend to me, not because she has been there when i need her. but because i want to be there for her when she does. she has crazy colored shoes. maybe i should get photos of them so i can post them. she challenges my sanity all the time.

helen - eternal poser


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"if friends make me rich, i wouldn't have known poverty at all."

my cup of iced tea

i have been meaning to share what i have been feeling these days... but i wouldn't know where to start. i'm afraid that when i finally succeeded in blogging it, that it won't be what i expect it to be.

'ay bahala nah!'

there is this constant unrest inside me. where this come from i don't know. i've been trying to compose this blog since two weeks ago.. until now, i can't even finish. i'm not sure when i will post this for fear of reading it and still find it wanting. :(

i talked with j and we felt the same about our dilemma with our family not agreeing with our practices on faith; which is attending the Bread of Life service and still attending Catholic mass. i feel nourished everytime i attend their service, i don't even feel bad. i still want to go attend the mass, though honestly i'm not as enthusiastic as i was before back in college. i'd rather attend mass in Dumaguete City than here in Cebu and this may be one reason. anyway, i don't wanna talk about it to my family but it felt good knowing that someone can totally relate to me. still there is this feeling of confusion inside me. i need enlightenment.

also i feel that there's more that i can do, more that i can be. i feel stuck, i feel restless. it seems like i'm wasting my time yet i feel exhausted all the time. i'm guilty of procrastinating the things i need to do and when i finally come around to doing them, i'm not satisfied still. why? i used to think that i will be better this year, i will work harder both for family and for myself. that i will do whatever it takes to excel in whatever i am into.

now, i've observed that i have not been doing things wholeheartedly. case in point, my relationship with my boyfriend/bestest friend in the whole wide world is not the best scenario. we're happy now though we're very very far, the farthest we've been for so long. there are times i'm guilty of not spending more time with him aka chat times or call times, i also do not text him when i reach the office. this worries him coz i work nights. i should never forget to do this, but i do. it makes me feel so bad for he has been patient about my shortcomings. i don't wanna say that it's because of the distance that makes me be like this, though maybe if we're closer (like if we're in the same country, not even city) i'd be a better girlfriend.

or that i don't go home as much as i did before, and when i do, i bring friends over that i don't spend that much time with them. i know you don't want me to whine but... sigh.

there is no conclusion here for me. i'm still in the process of creating a definition of me at twenty five with the sweetest boyfriend, with gorgeous but don't-see-them-as-often as-i-want friends, with an awesome but errant team, with invasive but loving family. the eternal "who am i" question.

perhaps, i need a retreat? just for a while... what do you think? pull to open for EXIT.

"minsan may isang puta"

Let me share with you this essay on this memorable Flag Day. May you draw a learning or two from the essay. Read on:

Tingin ng mga bobong kapitbahay ko puta daw ako. Nagpapagamit, binabayaran. Sabi nila ako daw ang pinakamaganda at inakasikat sa aming lugar noon. Ang bango-bango ko daw, sariwa at makinis. Di ko nga alam kung sumpa ito, dahil dito naletse ang kinabukasan ko. Tara makinig ka muna sa kwento ko, yosi muna tayo.

Alam mo, maraming lumapit sa akin, nagkagusto, naakit. Ang hirap pag lahat sa iyo virgin eh. Tinanggap ko naman silang tao, bakit kaya nila ako ginago? Masakit alalahanin, iniisip ko na lang na kase di sila taga rito, siguro talagang ganoon. Tatlong malilibog na foreigners ang namyesta sa katawan ko, na-rape daw ako….

Sa tatlong beses akong nagahasa, ang pinakahuli ang di ko makakalimutan. Parang maski di ko ginusto ang mga nangyari, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Tinulungan nya kasi akong makalimutan yung mga sadistang Hapon at Co?? Kase, ibang-iba ang hagod niya. Umiikot ang mundo ko sa tuwing ginagamit niya ako. Ibang klase siya mag-sorry, lalo pa at kinupkop niya ako at ang mga naging anak ko.

Parating ang dami naming regalo - may chocolates, yosi, ano ka! May datung pa! Nakakabaliw siya, alam kong ginagamit nya lang ako pero pagamit naman ako nang pagamit. Sa kanya namin natutunan mag-inggles, di lang magsulat ha! Magbasa pa! Hanggang ngayon, sa tuwing mabigat ang problema ko, siya ang tinatakbuhan ko. ‘Yun nga lang, lahat ng bagay may kapalit. Nung kinasama ko siya, guminhawa buhay namin. Sosyal na sosyal kami.

Ewan ko nga ba, akala ko napapamahal na ako sa kanya. Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na kaligayahan namin, yun pala unti-unti niya akong pinapatay. Putang Ina! Sa dami ng lason na sinaksak niya sa katawan ko, muntik na akong malaspag. Ang daming nagsabi na ang tanga tanga ko. Patalsikin ko na daw. Sa tulong ng mga anak ko, napalayas ko ang animal pero ang hirap magsimula. Masyado na kaming nasanay sa sarap ng buhay na naranasan namin sa kanya. Lubog na lubog pa kami sa utang, kulang ata pati kaluluwa namin para ibayad sa mga inutang namin.

Sinikap naming lahat maging maganda ang buhay namin. Ayun, mga nasa Japan , Hong Kong, Saudi ang mga anak ko. Yung iba nag-US, Europe . ‘Yung iba ayaw umalis sa akin. Halos lahat, wala naman silbi, masaya daw sa piling ko, maski amoy usok ako.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko na nagsisikap na tulungan ang kalagayan namin, siya din ang dami ng mga anak ko na namamantala sa kabuhayan at kayaman na itinatabi ko para sa punyetang kinabukasan naming lahat. Dumating ang panahon na di na kami halos makaahon sa hirap ng buhay. Napakahirap dahil nasanay na kami sa ginhawa at sarap.

Ang di ko inaakala ay mismong mga anak ko, ang tuluyang sisira sa akin. Napakasakit tanggapin na malinlang. Akala ko ay makakakita ako ng magiging kasama sa buhay sa mga ahas na ipinakilala ng mga anak ko Hindi pala. Ang tanga ko talaga. Binugaw ako ng sarili kong mga anak kapalit ng kwarta at pansamantalang ginhawa na nais nilang matamasa.

Wala na akong nagawa dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa aking mga anak. Wala akong ibang yaman kundi ganda ko. Pinagamit ko na lang ng pinagamit ang sarili ko, basta maginhawa lang ang mga anak ko.

Usap-usapan ako ng mga kapitbahay ko. May nanghihinayang, namumuhi at naaawa. Puta na kase ang isang magandang tulad ko.
Alam mo, gusto ko na sanang tumigil sa pagpuputa kaso ang laki talaga ng letseng utang ko eh. Palaki pa ng palaki. Kulang na kulang. Paano na lang ang mga anak ko naiwan sa aking punyetang puder?

Baka di na ako balikan o bisitahin ng mga nag-abroad kong mga anak. Hindi na
importante kung laspagin man ang ganda ko, madama ko lang ang pagmamahal ng mga anak ko. Malaman nila na gagawin ko ang lahat para sa kanila.

Sa tuwing titingin ako sa salamin, alam ko maganda pa rin ako. Meron pa din ang bilib sa akin. Napapag usapan pa din. Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha ko sa salamin, nakikita ko ang mga anak ko. Tutulo na lang ang mga luha ko ng di ko namamalayan. Ang gagaling nga ng mga anak ko, namamayagpag kahit saan sila pumunta. Mahusay sa kahit anong gawin. Tama man o mali . Proud ako sa kanila.
Kaso sila, kabaligtaran ang nararamdaman para sa akin.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko, iilan lang ang may malasakit sa akin. May malasakit man, nahihilaw. Ni di nga ako kinikilalang ina. Halos lahat sila galit sa isa’t isa. Walang gusto magtulungan, naghihilahan pa. Angdami ko ng pasakit na tiniis pero walang
sasakit pa nung sarili kong mga anak ang nagbugaw sa akin. Kinapital ang laspag
na ganda ko. Masyado silang nasanay sa sarap ng buhay. Minsan sa pagtingin ko sa
salamin, ni hindi ko na nga kilala sarili ko.
Dadating na naman ang pasko, sana maalala naman ako ng mga anak ko. Isang buwan pa, magbabagong taon na.
Natatakot ako sa taong darating. Ngayon pa lang usap usapan na ang susunod na
pagbubugaw ng ilan sa mga anak ko. Sana may magtanggol naman sa akin, ipaglaban
naman nila ako. Gusto kong isigaw: “INA NINYO AKO! MAHALIN NYO NAMAN
AKO!”

Sige, dumadrama na ako. Masisira na ang make up ko nito eh. Salamat ha,
pinakinggan mo ako.

Ay sorry, di ko nasabi pangalan ko.
Pilipinas nga pala.

Author : Mike Portes